The Grinch: A Stephanie Plum Tale
by schaefy
Summary: It's life as usual for Stephanie Plum, until Diesel pops into her kitchen again. Uh oh. Between lime green panties and a trigger happy Grinch, Stephanie is kept on her toes! A Christmas Oneshot. Enjoy and REVIEW! Schaefy. A bit of language.
1. Chapter 1

**The Grinch: A Stephanie Plum Tale**

"He's back" said a familiar voice behind me. I jumped about a foot in the air, my heart beating a million miles an hour. I turned around slowly, as it played the bongos on the inside of my ribs.

"Jesus, make some noise Diesel!"

He shot me a mouth watering grin before sinking into a kitchen chair behind him, and propping his CAT boots on the table. It was nine o clock on a fine Sunday morning and I was on my second cup of coffee after my run; and halfway through the newspaper. I handed a cup to Diesel and calmly sat back down at the table, as if this were a regular occurrence.

"Who's back?" I asked. It was unusual for Diesel to come and visit me, but he had never come so far from a holiday, and never had he looked so worried and preoccupied.

He sighed, running a hand through his dishevelled hair and closing his eyes. He looked utterly exhausted for a moment, deep black rings beneath his eyes, each movement looking as though it cost far too much energy.

"The Grinch."

I stared, nonplussed.

"The Grinch?"

"Yeah, you know. Big, hairy green body, fat stomach, too small Santa suit? That one."

"You don't mean... The Grinch who stole Christmas?!" I practically yelled, jumping up from my seat and sloshing coffee everywhere. Diesel watched bemusedly as I tried to repair the damage to my now stained shirt, in no hurry to answer.

"Yeah, except he doesn't just steal Christmas now. He kills any holiday. He escaped a maximum security prison two months ago and I've been on his trail ever since. But he's a slimy little bugger and I can't get a hold on him. He wreaked havoc all over the country when it was Christmas in July..." [NB: For those who don't know, in some stores, they have Christmas in July. Weird, I know.]

"People have that?" I snorted. I thought it was just a sales gimmick.

"Apparently. Works well for low income families. That was they can spread the costs of Christmas over the whole year instead of just the end."

Wow. I never knew that. Guess one Christmas just wasn't enough. Why can't we have Halloween in July? Halloween's the best!

Diesel sniggered, reading my mind.

"Coz, Sweet cheeks, the two Halloweens would be 3 months apart. You'd have to have the second Halloween in April, and people would still be having cavities filled from Easter."

Bummer.

"Bummer."

"No kidding."

Diesel shot me another heartbreaking grin before heaving himself onto the couch and kicking off his boots and settling back on the armrest.

"We'll need Rangers help on this one. Call him sometime today and tell him Diesel says 1800hrs tomorrow at the normal place and that he owes me. When he swears at me, remind him you'll be there. He'll agree pretty quickly after that. Wake me up at 6 and we'll pick up some dinner and talk."

Oh shit. Whenever anyone says 'we should "talk"', it never ended well.

Diesel cracked an eye at me and sent me a sleepy grin.

"Not _that _kind of talk Sweetcakes!" he said, closing his eyes with a smile.

I breathed an internal sigh of relief.

I really hated "talking".

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I pulled my cell phone out as I dropped into my car, worried for a second when it bounced and squeaked like crazy on it's suspension. Some idiot had decided that having suspension that threw the car around so much I regularly hit my head on the ceiling was a good idea. I was always afraid to go over 50 miles an hour in case the front wheels lifted off the ground. Needless to say, this particular fear put quite a dampener on my mobility for the time being. As soon as the car stopped bouncing enough that I could no longer hear the coffee sloshing around in my stomach, I pressed 2 on speed dial to call Ranger. As one of my knights in shining armour he's was entitled to a high position on my speed dial list, only preceded by Pino's.

"Yo." said Ranger.

"Batman. Saved the world yet for the day?"

"No, but it's only 8:30." I could hear that he was thinking about smiling in his voice. Because outright smiling would be far to expressive for the man of mystery. Jeez, he didn't even laugh at my favourite joke! What do you call cheese that's not yours? Nacho Cheese! (Get it Not-Your Cheese!) I know, it's hilarious! He just rolled his eyes and ruffled my hair. I was slightly put out by that at the time.

"Diesels back in town. He says we need your help on this case he has, and to meet him at the normal place at 1800 tomorrow. And that you owe him."

"Fuck." Ranger was annoyed.

"I'll be there." Diesel seemed to think this would work, even though I couldn't imagine why. But what the hell.

He sighed, deeply.

"I'll see you both there ok?" Huh, what do you know, it did work! Maybe next time I could use it to get him to come to dinner at my parents house. "And Babe, just be careful around Diesel. He has a lot of crazy enemies. Try not to get hit in the crossfire."

"Got it."

He disconnected. Somewhere along the line someone had forgotten to teach Ranger some important shit, like phone manners.

I dumped my cell onto the passenger seat and pulled out of the lot, heading for the bonds office to see what scumbags I was landed with this week. I was just applying an extra swipe of lipgloss while waiting for a red light when I heard a ping from the back of the car. I sighed. Shit. Someone was shooting at me gain. Why couldn't they pick some other desperado! I rolled my eyes and checked who it was in the car behind me. And nearly rear-ended the car in front of me in shock.

Behind me, seated in a huge red Hummer with various Christmas ornaments painted on was a large potbellied man. Wearing a very tight Santa suit. And covered in green hair.

"Holy fuck, it's the Grinch who stole Christmas in July!" I yelled.

And he was shooting at me. Jesus, did the guy have a grudge against humanity or something?! A crazed grin spread over his hairy green face as he pointed a high powered shot gun at me from out of the drivers window. SHIT!

I ducked, just as my rear window shattered onto the backseat (The car was built before the evolution of Safety glass) and a hole appeared in the perfect centre of my headrest.

Double SHIT!

The Grinch was a good shot.

I poked my head over the steering wheel again to make sure I wasn't going to cause a pile-up, floored it, and swerved to the left, running three red lights and an intersection. It was time to blow this joint.

Ranger picked up on the third ring.

"Yo."

"Batman. Need help, now! The Grinch is two cars behind me with a shot gun and a grudge. He blew a hole in the fucking headrest!" I yelled. I was a little hysterical. Things were leaning definitely towards Twilight zone, and it was Sunday morning for Chrissakes. I should be in bed at this hour.

Silence for a moment.  
Hang on... I backtracked through the conversation. Ohhh....

"Uhh Babe you didn't happen to take an unmarked pill did you?"

I groaned in frustration, hitting the steering wheel with my fist. Bullet holes appeared across the dashboard. Shit! Not good!

"Wait a minute. I've got it." And I hung up.

Ok, declare me legally insane, I hung up on Batman. _No one _hangs up on Batman. It just isn't done. It's like... wearing ski goggles to the beach because you couldn't find your sunglasses. But desperate times call for desperate measures and _boy_ was I desperate. The dash was now beginning to resemble Swiss cheese, and if I didn't get out of this soon I would too.

Working quickly I turned my phone to face my rear view mirror and took a shot of the trigger happy fur ball and sent it to Ranger. The Batman ringtone sounded ten seconds later.

"Babe...?" Ranger sounded completely... well... flabbergasted. Hmm, thats a first.

"Jesus, ten years in the army and you think you've seen it all..." he muttered to himself.

"Batman! The Grinch is about to bust a cap up my ass. _Do something!_"

Immediately, Ranger shifted back to work mode.

"Babe, what've you got with you?"

I swerved again, two wheeling a corner, my stomach lurching as my car came dangerously close to overturning on its insane suspension.

"Uhh... my bag, stun gun, cuffs, lip gloss, you know... shopping for Mom, a basket of laundry... I don't know! Who are you, MacGyver??"

"Close friend. What's the shopping?"

"Flour, milk eggs, provolone, Canolli, lunch meat..."

"Babe, how much do you like that laundry?"

"Are you kidding!," I screamed down the phone, the car jerking wildly as I accidentally wrenched the steering wheel the wrong way. "My favourite top is in there! And my only pair of jeans! And my lucky panties!"

Ranger snorted. At this critical moment, he felt he had to be immature about my panties.

"_Stop thinking about my panties!_" I yelled at him. I needed a doughnut in a _really _bad way.

He burst out laughing. Ugh, _Men!_

I ducked another bullet. "Ranger! Now would be a great time!"

After another chuckle or two he quietened, although I could still hear the full on grin in his voice.

"Ok Babe, this is what we're gonna do."

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Thirty seconds later I was really hoping this was a dream. It couldn't be happening. This shit just wasn't real.

"Earth to Babe! It's not a dream, it's real and if you like your body without bullet holes in it, you better follow the plan!"

Note to self. Run like stink whenever Diesel arrives. It just wasn't worth the crap.

I saw a shiny black SUV pull up alongside me and Tank giving me a wide grin and the thumbs up. He'd obviously heard the plan. Jesus, this was going to make the evening news... although that wasn't such an unusual occurrence for me.

"You ready Babe?"

I swallowed. Shit. How the hell did I get myself into this? A bullet landed three inches from my hand. I gulped.

"Yep." No.

"Phase one Babe. Go for it!"

Saying a quick prayer for mercy on my soul, I rolled down my window and checked my rear view mirror to see if fur ball was still on my tail. A bright red Hummer with a dayglo green man in it filled the field of vision. Deep breath. I couldn't believe I was doing this.

I turned onto Pitt street and felt the Grinch nudge my bumper. Ok. It was now or never. Personally, I would have preferred never.

Carefully holding the wheel straight I reached over to the open carton of eggs. It was one of those industrial sized ones with about 36 eggs in it. I never knew how Mom got through so many, but it seemed she was always needing eggs, especially around Halloween when Grandma stole the entire carton and splattered them all over the neighbours houses.

Trying not to drop any I cautiously passed the carton out of the window.... and flicked it.

When I was a kid one of the this Mom had hated most was the fact that I played girls little league. Dad would practice with me every afternoon in the backyard, teaching me how to pitch, throw, bat and play like I was major league. Mom had hated it because it was "Unladylike". But I guess all those hours of practice had paid off. The eggs sailed through the air behind my car and splattered all over the Grinch's windscreen; eggshell fragments and bits of yolk flying everywhere.

I grinned. Despite my embarrassment, this was kind of fun! Then I noticed the gales of laughter over my phone, still lying on my lap on loudspeaker. I froze for a second. And looked to my left. Tank was still driving alongside me, but now attempting to hold a video camera straight, laugh uncontrollably and drive in a straight line all at the same time. I banged my head on the steering wheel, afraid to guess just how many of the merry men were listening and watching the video feed.

"How many?" I groaned weakly.

"Beautiful, you may not want to ask that question." Came Lester's voice, not bothering to conceal the apparent hilarity of the situation. Speaking for myself, I couldn't see the humour in it.

I groaned again. Jesus, could this be any worse? Hmm... better not tempt fate. Lester's voice pulled me from my wallowing.

"Come on Beautiful, the egg's drying-- Hurry up!"

I banged my head on the steering wheel a few more times for good measure. Ha, I might even make the national news this time. My mother would have a fit. I sighed and picked up the open bag of flour next to me, and chucked it out the window. The effect was beautiful. White powder billowed through the air creating a fog that I could barely see through, and collected on the egg still stuck to Fur balls windscreen. Success! A thick layer of flour was now stuck on the drying egg, creating a goopy sludge that was impossible to see through. I sped up, hoping to lose him before he stuck his head out the window.

Then the windscreen wipers came on. Oh.... Shit. We hadn't thought of that. A voice spoke from over the phone.

"Babe," Another blast from the shotgun. Grinch had spent the last 5 minutes trying to reload it while trying to drive with shit all over his windscreen. "How much do you like that laundry?"

I gulped. This was not good.

A hole the size of a potato appeared in the passenger seat. Jesus, he was using hydroshocks now.

"I like living better."

God, this was going to be one for the record books. And, Tank was still filming.

I took a deep breath, promised to go to church three times a week if I never saw this footage...

And threw my washing out the window.

A bright green thong had landed right in the centre of the windscreen.

Someone up there _really _didn't like me today.

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I arrived at Rangeman ten minutes later, my car looking a little the worse for wear. The back windscreen had completely shattered and the boot of the car was hanging in tatters of the back. Bullet holes riddled the driver and passenger seats, which my some heavenly miracle had not turned me into Swiss cheese. The dash had now collapsed in on itself, the pieces falling all over the car. The engine was barely chugging along and the bonnet was smoking.

I pulled into one of the parking spaces in the underground lot and clung to the wheel, slightly shell shocked. A mocha latte hand open what was left of the door and prized my hands off the wheel, gently helping me out. I sighed.

"I think this ones finished Babe."

I looked at the piece of shit next to me.  
Pathetic.

"No kidding." I said dryly.

Ranger smiled slightly and pull me tight into his arms, kissing me on the top of the head.

"You ok?" he asked, quietly.

"Just a little shaken."

He looked me in the eye for a moment, searching.

"Really?"

I blew out a sigh.

"Yeah."

He grinned, and steered me toward the elevator. A thought occurred and I stopped short, hands on my hips, eyes narrowed.

"One thing though. Tank was there the whole time. Another SUV and you could have forced him off the the road or something. Why not?"

Ranger sent me a wolf grin, his eyes suddenly predatory.

"This way was funner." he said.

"And I got to see your panties."

THE END

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Hope you liked it! A bit of fluff I wrote ages ago for Christmas, but only typed up now. Tell me what you think!

Schaefy :D


	2. Chapter 2

Author's note: Hi everyone.. I know I said this one was finished but study is driving me nuts at the moment, so I figured it wouldn't be such a bad thing to add another chapter. Hope you like it! PS: For the purposes of the story, the bonds office is open on Sundays. Deal with it

Ranger swiped a bit of flour off my face, his fingertips trailing along my cheek until heat flashed through the pit of my stomach. We were in the small kitchen of his apartment, me sitting on the counter chugging a beer. I felt I'd deserved it, even if it was only 10am.

I narrowed my eyes as his fingers moved feather-light to tuck a curl behind my ear. His mouth twitched into his trademark 'almost smile' as I glared at him.

"You're poaching." I said.

He considered that for a moment.

"Yep." He said, not a trace of embarrassment in his eyes.

"Stop it." I said, while continuing an inner dialogue with my stupid self. 'Just kiss him you idiot!' my stupid self was saying and unfortunately, as seemed to be a familiar pattern in the last few weeks, I started to cave. I leant toward him unconsciously, inhaling the mix of Ranger and Bulgari which was distinctly him as my eyes travelled up to meet his.

He held my gaze for a moment, then grinned, suddenly crushing me against him.

"Sure." he said as his lips touched mine, and I lost my train of thought.

The kiss was playful but serious, his hands splayed across my back pulling me tight against him. He trailed kisses down my jaw to my neck and... his phone rang. I felt him pause, and then continue, ignoring the ringing.

"Ranger..." I said, trying to think past the amazing sensation of his lips on my skin.

"Mmmm?" He said, not really paying attention.

"Ranger." My head was getting clearer, the phone louder. He didn't answer this time.

"Ranger!" I felt him sigh, lifting me up again to sit on the counter while flipping his phone open.

"What." His voice was like ice and I cringed for the person on the other side of the line. A short buzz of speech and Ranger sighed, looking at the floor.

"I'll be there in ten." And he snapped the phone shut.

"Babe. There's been a malfunction in the system of one of the major accounts, I have to go and talk to the owners about their system." I smiled, smoothing the creases I'd made in his shirt where I'd gripped it.

"That's ok, Batman. Go do your thing." He gave me a full on smile and helped me hop down from the counter. He pulled a set of keys from a drawer and tossed them to me before grabbing my hand and pulling me toward the door.

"You sure you want to write off another one?" I said. I hated taking Ranger's cars/men, mostly because I always ended up breaking them in some way, and Ranger always ended up paying.

"Car's are expendable. You're not." He said. I was touched, and I tiptoed to kiss him softly, before realising the elevator was open behind him with an uncomfortable looking Tank inside it. If I didn't know better I'd have said Tank was blushing, but he definitely was taking a sudden interest in his shoelaces.

Needless to say, it was a very uncomfortable ride downstairs. Ranger kissed my forehead as we walked into the garage and with a parting 'Stay safe, Babe', he was gone.

Ranger had given me another Jeep Wrangler, and in the heavy lunchtime traffic it took me twenty minutes to pull into a spot in front of the bonds office.

"Steph, just the person I wanted to see." said Connie. I had known Connie for a few years, and not much had changed about either of us. Although half a head shorter than me her hair and her attitude more than made up for the difference. Her lipstick and nails were fire engine red, her upper lip was freshly waxed and her shirt displayed cleavage no plastic surgeon could achieve. I, on the other hand, was still slim with tangled brown curls and attitude that had never quite found me.

"I've got a few files for you. We had three skip court yesterday and Vinnie's going spare. Lucille now has it in her head that she wants to travel to Paris next year and he just doesn't have the money at the moment. You need to find these guys pretty quick."

At the sound of my name Vinnie banged through the door of his inner sanctum.

"Speak of the devil..." I muttered to Connie, trying to smother the grin that was threatening to tip Vinnie over the edge.

"Stephanie! What are you doing here? We have three new skips today—three! GET GOING! Money doesn't grow on trees, you know!" Boy did I know that. I was a month behind on my rent, my car had just gone to car heaven and I'd run out of clean clothes this morning. Life was a little nutty at the moment. The door slammed as I geared up to yell at him, perhaps if the mood struck me, adding a few Italian hand gestures for good measure. As it was I just rolled my eyes and plonked down on the couch, flipping open the first file just as Lula walked in the door.

I seemed to have the innate gift for finding abnormality wherever I went and having it stick to me like a limpet. In some cases, like crazies, this annoyed me, but my... 'sidekick' Lula was one oddity I knew I enjoyed having around. I use the word 'sidekick' with hesitation, as it would generally connote some kind of assistance from said person. But Lula was just as incapable at my job as I was, and we relied mostly on the stupidity of out FTAs and sheer luck to do it. There'd been a few near misses which had had me worried, but given that Ranger took the dangerous skips, at this point I was quite content to continue the job...mostly because I had nowhere else to work.

"I have a hot date tonight," she announced as she walked in, sashaying over to the couch and plonking down beside me. She was going for the Dolly Parton look today, woman's cut checked shirt and tassels with maximum buttons open, tiny white spandex skirt and brown cowboy boots. Connie and I stared. Dolly Parton?

"And I'm not sure whether to go with spandex or Dolly. I mean, I got my hair and my nails all done up like her special, but I just got this killer red dress and Via Spigas to match."

I don't know about Connie, but to me Lula as Dolly didn't look all that fantastic, and I don't think Dolly in red spandex would look all that great either. All three would be a car crash of epic proportions.

"Anyway. What've we got today? Dolly wants to kick some butt."

I swallowed the lump in my throat that had formed at the thought of being seen with Lula. Hmm...

"Um.." I mumbled out, giving myself a mental shake, and glancing down at the open file in my hands. "Leroy Strezenski, for soliciting."

"Strezenski should be an easy catch, but low bond. He's a small business owner—he has that hardware store over on McClintock Street. He was caught with his pants down just off Stark a few days ago and as far as I can tell has been laying low until the fuss dies down."

"Fuss?" I quirked an eyebrow. I couldn't really imagine anyone actually caring where Strezenski played hide-the-salami.

"His wife is a champion WWF wrestler and publicly threatened to castrate him." Connie grinned at the thought. "Apparently that's part of her signature move."

I shuddered to think what was going to happen when we eventually caught up with him. I quickly flicked through the other two files as Lula began telling Connie about her date tonight. David Pance, nickname Stinky. A small giggle escaped as I read that one. Stinky Pance. Stinky Pants! Arrested for, and I quote from the police report "Smelling bad in a public place." Oh boy, I could just imagine how many ways that could go wrong...

I flicked open the last file and almost fell off the couch. My phone was out and dialling Diesel before I realised as I stared at the... _thing_ in the mugshot.

"Diesel."

"Yeah..." I said faintly, trying to think straight as I stared at the picture of the green hairy man "You might want to come down to the bonds office at some point... you've got to see this.


End file.
